So, yesterday I mentioned that some local pals of mine are venturing to write daily for 30 minutes each day in the month of August.
I’m not giving myself any parameters other than that. Do I hope that some of those pages will come out in this blog. Absolutely! Do I know that some of the writing may just be too raw, too hard to put in this space? Absolutely! This post actually teeters in that direction, but hearing myself speak of vulnerability, I’m going with it.
What I do want to gain in these 30 days is the practice of a discipline that I LOVE but don’t make the time for. If I can squeeze in these 30 minutes doing this fun, life-giving, creative thing, then I absolutely should be able to carve out time to do some other fun (okay, not always), life-PRESERVING things.
The beau and I used to joke about this a few years ago. In our written communication, we would utilize the twitter hash-tag phenom that was new on the scene at the time for anything that we needed to say that might sound a little brazen, a little rash. You see, I’m a sensitive soul. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. And that, my friends, gets me in trouble from time to time.
But with #honesty, I feel like all bets are off from my feelings getting crushed. It’s like that story I once heard of a couple that anytime having a “discussion” on difficult subjects, they would both wear Rudolph noses. It’s hard to take yourself too seriously when the person staring back at you has a very shiny nose.
Lately, I’ve needed to put on that nose to have a hard conversation with myself. As mentioned a few posts ago, I’m tired of constantly feeling like the excuse of “life has thrown us curve-balls lately” has been all I ever say. Life has thrown some our way, but we by no means are exempt. We by no means are the only ones in our circle of friends or teams of co-workers who are finding themselves in non-ideal situations. If you follow my Mom’s blog, you know about the roller-coaster ride we have been on for the past 3 months. But I’m sure as you’re sitting there at your office desk, or in your pj’s on the couch, or on your phone running errands during lunch, you’re thinking of your own “thing.” Your own curve-ball. You may be driving back to it–at home or at the office. You may be staring at it–in the faces of loved ones or the face in the mirror rattled with sickness. You may be sitting in the very midst of this roller coaster ride, screaming to get off, because you were not tall enough to ride, but you feel you’ve been forced in, buckled in and there is no escape.
#honesty. Do I feel that I’m mature enough to handle all that goes with caring for an ailing parent? No.
#honesty. Am I scared about what the future holds for my marriage thinking about the beau going back to school, working full time? Absolutely.
#honesty. Do I feel restless, even though I feel that I’ve grabbed hold of the vision God has for my life? Yes.
#honesty. Am I saddened when I see myself in full-length mirrors? ….Yes
So what do we do with these honest assertions of life? How do we manage them?
My mantra over the past three months, but really the past 3 years is that I’m just “taking it day by day” or “we’ll figure it out”.
But what if taking it day by day means that there is no motivation to get out of bed to go run at 4:00am doesn’t come?
What if day by day means that finances seem all over the place?
What if day by day means that it’s been months without a date night?
Day by day HAS to coincide with figuring it out. It is not an OR, but an AND. They are not left to be isolated statements.
Figuring it out might mean that you have to become a control freak for a season.
Figuring it out may mean that you say No to lots of things you want to say Yes to.
Figuring it out may mean that you are saying Yes to things you’d rather say No to.
Figuring it out may mean getting less sleep.
I’m still determining what this means for me. Still figuring it out. Figuring out how to take it one day at a time and still meet those goals. Make it up for that run. Care for Mom in the way she most deserves. Be intentional with that friendship. Do the best at my job. Be the best wife I can be. I will figure out how to integrate these life-preservers.
How do you take it day by day AND figure it out?