Lewie and I have this book. This journal. Yes, it was my idea to start it–to chronicle our pre-married days with notes, ticket stubs, letters back and forth while we’ve been apart.
Lew tends to hold it hostage and take a month to get it back to me (love you babe ;)).
Saturday morning he showed up at my door way earlier than I was expecting him that morning with journal in hand. I was still in my pajamas.
Here is the entry from his heart (get the tissues, folks). Come back tomorrow for what happened once I finished reading this. (PS–I have permission to post this. ;))
I have had this book of ours for entirely too long, I must now depart with it. Sorry it took so long to respond as I’ve been in a bit of a writer’s block on what exactly to place within these pages and other various reasons that may one day reveal themselves. With that being said, on to the ‘journal entry’ portion of my turn with the book:
These last few months have been exciting as always, sometimes nerve-racking and stomach upsetting — with the house search and all, I’m sure you could agree. It was two-fold, both exciting as we endeavored to move forward with our commitment to one another and also quite debilitating in that, we were unsuccessful. We’ve had a great trip to Ikea; spotting items that could potentially one day fill our home but these are just things. How does the old saying go: The best things money can buy are just things…? So, I try not to get too wrapped up in what will fill our home but what fuels our home and at the end of the day, the feeling not filling. We are looking for simple, cozy, essential and natural; pieces from those we love and pieces from those who have loved. A home is more than the stuff that occupies it and I think we both agree, filling it with pieces that were created with love and those that have been loved by others is a true sign of your home’s character.
I look forward to many, many more days with you. Whether we are together physically or continue our progress toward being mentally, spiritually and emotionally bonded in each other’s absence — it is lofty to believe that we will be together every day for the rest of our days physically but I have no doubts that we will always share a bond that is thicker than any sort of distance. In my insensitivity, I’ve loved the days and weeks we’ve been apart, they are strength. It is easy to be together every day or whenever we feel the need to be by each other’s side but it takes true romance and love to find distance a catalyst for what has driven this thing from the get-go, we are bonded on another level. Not to say there is no one else out there with whom I could see myself (and I’m sure you can imagine the same, at least I hope you can), there are far too many amazing women with which I may have a connection but there is only one woman I truly see myself wanting to hold hands with in my old age. Only one woman I want to wipe away tears and cuddle up to on lazy days. You, with your red hair and casually-beautiful smile, the laugh that destroys any barriers I could put up, the way you sunburn easily and the sweet caress you apply me when I need it most. Your fascination with lip gloss and tidiness, your organized ways and the way you remind me that Jesus is a friend and placater of my sins, not a burden and source of my guilt. The way you pray at meals and hold my hand while I drive, your humoring my musical eccentricity and the way you’ve come so far from where you’ve been. You are my definition of true character. I knew the first time I heard your voice that I could love you forever, it tugged at my heart strings which hadn’t been played for a long time; I was cold and you warmed me, I was ashamed and you loved me, I needed love not judging and you hugged me tightly. You are my best friend and confidant. You are the reason I hear kids laugh and birds sing, you reminded me that something larger than anything I could fake was wiping away my transgressions and giving me back my youthful essence. I know it sounds cheesy and all romantic-comedy but you do make me want to be a better man, for you, our children and for future generations. I want to be one half of the tie that bonds, not the weaker link.
These days, I’m just kinda drinking up what it means to be single and getting prepared for what it means to be part of a bigger whole. In all honesty, sometimes I think about how much I appreciate the ‘freedom’ involved in being single. It is harder for an only child, I think. Kids with siblings have it easier as they are more accustomed to being around someone fairly near their age, spending years together, learning about fights/arguments and the healing that takes place afterward. So it is a learning process and I’m prepared to take the steps needed to learn what being around someone else all the time truly means. It isn’t always going to be easy because we’ve both been so only-child like for so long, it will be a process to undo. At the end of the day, when the thoughts of ‘freedom’ have passed and the image of you & I together comes into mind, it is all the sweeter. We will find freedom in one another, solace in our arrangements of living and the passion needed to press forward when things get tough. This is going to be exciting and a definite learning experience, you don’t see too many only-child couples these days, what we’ll be lacking in blood aunts & uncles for our kids, we’ll make up for with great friends that are probably closer than blood in most cases. So, although I’ve known the single-life and ‘freedom’ for so long, I doubt I’ll miss anything, including the thought of, ‘what if we hadn’t started this journey together’.
I know you’ve been waiting to become a fiance for quite some time and my apologies for taking so long, a few unforeseen events (like a house) kept me from spending the money I’ve wanted so dearly to part with. I want to let you know that I’m aware of your need for time to plan, I really am. One of these days, Baby, it will happen — you have my word. I want it to be a surprise for you and me. In my own selfishness, I want that moment when it happens to be spectacular for both of us, it just doesn’t seem right to plan and plan for what should be a mysterious and magical moment. I hear all these guys say, ‘I want her to be completely shocked and awed’ but truthfully, I want to be as shocked and awed. I am a guy as I’m sure you’ve noticed, but deep down a true romantic is my truest self. But anyway, enough about that.. I don’t want it to turn into a sore subject while you wait for me to make a move and you remain bombarded by the folks on your side of the fence. I am sorry for any and all delays….
Enough of the sad and gloomy, this entry was supposed to remain light-hearted and hopefully remind you why you’ve waited around for a guy like me, oh so patiently. I’m slow to propose and one can only imagine the terms you’d use to distinguish my uncanny ability to hold onto this book for WAY past my due date. If I were getting a grade, I’d surely fail on both accounts. I hope you find some relief in the words and images I try to convey, where we’ve been and where we are going as my main goal is to transport you via the vehicle of my written words. Sometimes they are serious and sometimes comedic but only to me, really… I hope they land gently on your lips as you read aloud or drift softly into your heart as you say each one silently to yourself. My only real hope is that if nothing else, you know that I love you, beyond rings and houses, beyond the good times we’ve had and the future bad times, through the thick and thin, when I’m acting less than my age and reacting with far less than my heart’s true feelings. Drink up these moments, the times apart and the moments together, these are just a small drop in the pool of life we’ll share. In the simplest of terms, I want my bathing suit hanging on the clothesline next to nobody but yours. C’mon, let’s take a swim…
I can’t wait to give our folks the grandkids they want and deserve. Reading bedtime stories and scaring away monsters from under the bed, filling up favorite cups and cutting crusts off sammiches. I know we are a few years off on the kids, if outlines stand to truth, and if not, I will gladly be a Dad earlier than anticipated. If it in God’s good plan that we’d be blessed sooner than we’d planned, God is good. If it takes longer, the same remains true. It is out of our hands and I generate a certain bit of peace with that actually. I do know that I want to learn to braid hair (better), how to match clothes and the differences between little boys and girls — physical aside, I got that much. While we teach them reading and spelling and outsourcing the math, of course. Capitals of states and the difference between their, they’re and there (because no kid of ours is going to be going around writing, ‘I was their when they’re dog came to chase there cat.’ — not happening). I want them to love different music and different points of view, to understand the difference between right and wrong, or at least be able to fake it in front of the right people. To know God is good for them, to not blindly accept religion that is forced down their throat but to ask why they need hope, faith and to understand the whole purpose of wanting to be under God’s great wings.
But, I will end there, I’m sure I’ve wrote enough. I hope I haven’t disappointed and somewhat stayed on the light side of things. I just want to convey one simple message if this is the only line you read: I’m much happier with you in my life than I was without you — I have no worries or concerns over where we’ve been and where we’re going.
Sincere apologies for my delay on this,